The start of my new kitchen.

So for the last few months my hubby has been spending all of his free time away from me.  No not doing anything bad, he's been spending all the time he has teaching himself how to be a master woodworker (I admit that kind of does sound bad, lol).  No but seriously he's been building us custom cabinets.  About a year ago we started talking about replacing the old cabinets and after looking around and pricing different locations he says to me "hunny I think I can build them myself".  I tried to be supportive but also tried to talk him out of it.  I know he can do anything but at the time he had never done anything like it.  I just knew it wouldn't be easy. 
After a few months of debate back and forth of whether we should buy or build, he won the battle.  So slowly he researched and gradually bought tools, and in September he got an amazing monetary gift from his parents and was able to but the majority of the rest of the supplies he needed to build (in completion) the base cabinets.  And after him spending 2 months in the garage I am proud to show some pictures of my new cabinets.
      Before looking let me warn you... (even though I love my little house) my kitchen Is mighty small.

New base cabinets without drawer fronts and counter

my beagle Simon just had to be in this picture, lol.

This will be the color of our new counter that should arrive in a little over a week

Last but not least the cabinet with wine rack above the fridge, I have to add that last year my hubby removed a wall in our house and built this fridge nook in its place.

And because I've been a bad blogger and never posted after out trip to Michigan last month i'm including a few pictures from our weekend away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here we are on a tractor on our way to the start of the corn maze.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went for a walk through a corn maze.

and got lost and hungry

sunset in new buffalo

A wonderful 4 years

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful, kind, smart, talented, loving husband.  Today we celebrate our 4 years of marriage.  In the last 4 years I have learned so much about myself and my family.
We have a nice night In New Buffalo Michigan planed on Sunday.  Dinner, drinks, and maybe a evening walk on the beach.  I plan on taking a ton of beautiful pictures, and can't wait to share. xoxo

My Daaa moment

Earlier this evening I decided to make a quick (emphasis on quick) run to the grocery store.  All I needed was some fruit, almond milk, and a few other snacky things.  So I got the stuff I needed, and a few things I didn't and I headed to the checkout... I was making good time and didn't get to overly distracted like I usually do at the store. 
Now i'm going to give a play by play of what happened after i walked out of the store.....   Ok so I walked out the door and straight to my car, I get to my car grab my keys from my purse and pop the trunk.  I put my 4 bags of food away, close my trunk and walk the cart a short 3 car length away to the cart coral.  When I get back to my car I realize I don't have my keys.  Oh my gosh I locked my keys in my trunk, or so I thought. I went back to where the carts where and looked around, I even got down and looked under my car, they where no place to be found.  So I call my hubby who is the only person who has a spare key, and in a crazy person panic tell him he has to come unlock my car.  The only thing is he is 40 mins away at school waiting to go into class.  So after my wonderful wait sitting on the trunk of my car my hubby gets there and unlocks my car.  Well to my dumb surprise there isn't any keys in the trunk.  Oh my goodness where could they be?  I empty everything out of the grocery bags to see if they fell into one of the bags... meanwhile Joe (aka the hubby) disappears. A minute later I see him walking out of the store holding up my keys.  So long story short in the short time i was outside and I lost my keys another customer found my keys (didn't see me looking for them) and turned them in.  I feel so silly to say that it never even crossed my mind that someone else found them on the ground and took them inside.

And as for where I am in my cycle I wasn't really going to keep track of what cycle day I was on this month (even tho I think I ovulated sometime in the last few days), I figured I would try and lay low on the ttc front this month and then starting with my next cycle I'm going to take a low dose of clomid for up to the next 4 months or less if things work out. 

Till next time, Rachel = )

miss you gram!!

Today is a special day, Today would have been my grandmas 93rd Birthday (she past one month prior).  So a few of us decided to meet for breakfast (we went to bob evens) this morning in honor of my late gram.  We all ate well, we sang happy birthday, and shared a piece of her fave banana nut bread (yum).  I think my gram would approve.

Moving forward to this evening... I was sitting around not doing to much.  So I decided to make a delicious ham and potato's for dinner with Yummy pumpkin slices for dessert.  everything turned out great but not I'm ready for some relaxation and some good TV.

Rachel

AF arived with battle gear

Not only did AF arrive this morning and mentally put me down for the count (for this month) but she's fighting to make sure to ruin my day.  I had planned to go to the gym, but I'm (tmi) bleeding to heavy with too much pain, and oh how AF messes with my stomach... darm my stage 4 endo (imagine me shaking my fists).
I think I'm going to look into the endo diet.  I've never tried it so if anyone has any tips or has tried this diet I would love to hear about it.  I've heard its a pretty restricted diet, but at this point my cycles are so bad i think i would try anything.  As long as I can still have my occasional cup of coffee, but i guess i could settle for decaf if i had to.
  I have to work tonight so I hope that af eases up before then.  because when I'm at work I have to play the role of the boss and I just can't act sick or be in pain when I have to be in charge of a whole store.  I guess i will just have to hang out with my heating pad and bottle of pamprin and hope i feel better soon.


I hope everyone has a wonderful day xoxo
Rachel

here it is...

So I was really nervous but i did it, I cut my hair ALOT of my hair.  I have to say that I love it!
  And my husbands rediculas backhanded (not ment to be mean) comment was "oh wow I didn't want to say anything before your hair appt but I didn't think i was going to like it.  But I do it looks really good".  Guys they have a funny way of saying things, lol. 
What do you think?

 

 And on a side note, now that i've downloaded all my pictures from the last month i'll share some pics from last weekend when my bro, my hubs and I went to Chicago, on probably the last really nice day in the city (for this year).

We went on an agricultural boat tour and got some pretty cool pics.

just a few cool pics of buildings.

Me, my hubs, and my bro.

 After we where done walking around navy pier, and taking the boat tour my brother wanted to take me and my hubs to a nice dinner in the city.  So we went to Ruth Chris steak house, and OMG I had the best tasting fillet (and most expensive at $39 each) that I've ever had.  Yum Yum.

Till next time xoxo Rachel

I think I need a hair cut.

So for the last few months I've been loosing A LOT of hair.  I know it's normal to lose some hair, but the amount of hair I'm loosing it's actually becoming noticeable that my hair is becoming thinning.  I've loved having long hair for the last few years but i think it's now time to come to terms with my thinning hair and cut it short, but I'm really nervous its going to look terrible. 
Here is a picture of me with longer hair from recently.

Now the question is.... do I cut a few inches off, cut it chin length, or do I cut it REALLY short???

How about either of these hair cuts? what does every one think?  Any idea's or pictures are welcome, I'm just not sure what I want to so.  But i know I want to do something.  LOL and thinking about my hair is kinda helping me keep my mind off of POAS again.  I really want to wait till Monday to test again, which will be 14 dpo.

 Thank you to everyone for your info in advance = )

                               Rachel K.

the goings on.

I've been gone from blogging for too long.  Every time I think I'm going to post I just draw a blank.  It's like I have so much and nothing going on at the same time. Between the passing of my dear sweet grandma, my miscarriage and a few close friends also having miscarriages, and a friend from high school sadly taking his own life I've been on a up and down emotional roller coaster.  And on top of all that last week a local girl (I didn't personally know, but many people I do did) was murdered. And It really effected me.  I mean what kind of world do we live in where 3 miles away from me a young boy kills his beautiful 17 year old girlfriend?  What could she have possible done so wrong?  Nothing I'm sure!
In regards to my grandma, She was a vivacious, strong, beautiful, 92 (would have been 93 1 month after her passing) year old.  She live a wonderful life, and got to share it with 4 children, 9 grandchildren (3 girls 6 boys), and  9 Great grandchildren (3 girls, 6 boys).  We all miss her so much, but knowing she is happily a peace dancing the polka with her husband, my grandfather brings much peace to us all.  She knows she was loved and I believe she will forever show us how much she loves us by watching and protecting us.

It has been almost 2 months since my miscarriage and I have to say I took the whole situation as a blessing.  I'm not saying it wasn't hard on me.  It's just to say that after 4 years of trying I now know that my body can do it... it can actually make a baby (one it's own).  Which I have to say I was starting to loose hope.  But now that my hope is slightly restored that it will happen one day, I get really anxious and wish it would just happen again right now.  It's like it took me 4 years to finally relax about the whole ttc thing and now all of a sudden I feel like I'm back at the beginning, trying from day 1 again. 
Right now I'm 10 days past ovulation, and as of this morning I couldn't wait so I poas and it was a BFN = (  I was feeling really good about everything this month.  I have been on a great workout schedule, I even ran in my first 5k, I've been eating really healthy (less red meat more spinach and salad, and less coffee and pop more juice and water), I've been trying to be positive, despite the challenges in my life.  I guess I can't expect it to happen when I want to, I have to continue to live my life full of happiness joy and faith... and know that when the time is right its will happen.  Even if that means a month from now or a years from now. 
  xoxo
 Rachel

my gram

Yesterday I went with my husband and my brother to visit my gram in the hospital.  She had a stroke on July 3rd and isn't really doing that well.  I love my 93 year old grandmother and I pray that she will get better soon or be at peace with my grandpa who has been gone for over 10 years, but that's not the point of this post.  While I was visiting with her she was just laying there quiet... she doesn't say much these days.  She looked up at me, she grabbed my hand, closed her eye's again and said (clear as day) "boy".  Now I didn't want to think to much into it but later that evening my hubby said to me "do you think grandma knew you where pregnant? (we never got a chance to tell her before we lost the pregnancy), maybe we would have had a boy and she knew it."  any way who knows, I just thought it was weird that she randomly said "boy".

update

Thanks ladies!  But today AF showed for sure so I guess that's that.  I'm going to try and return to life as normal and hope I can get back to the same free flowing mindset that I had before the pregnancy and loss.  I need to get back to the gym and take care life going on around me in the moment.
I need to remember "all good things come to those who wait"

Short lived excitement.

Today I went for more blood work to make sure my beta was rising... well long story short, it only went up to 23 from 21.  Not Good!  So my RE said she's 100% sure that I will miscarry = (  so now I just wait.  I guess there is always a .05% chance my number will rise and things will be fine but honestly my hopes aren't high.
I guess at least now I know I can get pregnant, I sure hope it isn't another 4 years till my body decides to surprise me again.

first appointment

Yesturday after yet another positive hpt I decided to call my doctors office.  Not my regular OB, I called the fertility doctor.  I knew that if i could go there that i would get a little better treatment, closer treatment.  So I had blood work done to confirm my pregnancy and she also did an ultrasound to see if there was a sack yet.  She didn't see a sack just yet but the good news is that I am 100% prego.  My beta is only 21 (as of yesturday) so as long as it doubles when I go back friday then things are on the right track.  Since I don't know the exact day of my last missed period we don't really know exactly how far along I am. But seeing that my beta is pretty low we can at least know that I'm not farther along than 4 or 5 weeks.

Fingers crossed that my beta doubles when I go back friday and maybe I'll even have another ultrasound and get to see that there is a sack in there so I know the baby is growing in the right spot.

I have a secret... I think.

ok ladies I have a secret.  Let me start from a week ago (or so).  I was looking at my pocket calender and I thought to myself "hmm when did I last see aunt flo? I think she should be here soon or um a few days ago". so for the last week I've been taking cheep dollar store hpt's and on the first few I saw a very faint line, but my hubby wasn't convinsed, then I had a few with no line and last night I took a walgreens brand digital with the words "not pregnant".  Well I still wasn't convinced so today I went and bought a 3pk of first responce... I held my pee for a few hours and took my test.  Boom there it is... for the first time in my 4 years of trying a BFP.  I really hope Its for real, I've been waiting for so long for this.
OMG did I really write that I got my BFP OMG OMG!  Please pray for me that I really am prego and that my little bean sticks for the long haul.

Thank you everyone for fallowing me though my journey of ups and downs, I hope they will all be ups from here on out.

p.s. Ive included a pic of my most resent test and of my pups (my dogs have been attached to me like glue for the last 2 weeks).

long time no post.

It's been so long since my last post... I'm sorry for not keeping in touch.  So for the last few months since my failed I.V.F. I've done A LOT of thinking.  I pondered if I was ready to go back to the doctor and talk about my failed cycle. Am I really ready to sit in front of mt doctor just to hear him say "the cycle should have worked, just do it again"?  Like it's that easy to just "do it again".  I've also (without sounding to sad) tried to imagine what life might be like simply without children.  I know that one day we will have our child we long for. But for now, could I fully love life without? 
One big thing that I've been doing to take my mind off of things and help me to improve myself is working out.  Two months ago I signed up for the local YMCA.  As much as I might hate waking up extra early to go work out or going strait from work, I love love love it once i'm there.  I know it's just the thing I needed.
In the past for months I've also been transferred to a new store at work. I work as a manager at Walgreen's and they can transfer you when ever they see fit.  Which can sometimes be not such a good thing... well as much as I love my old store and love my old employees, it was defiantly time for a change.  I went though the whole before, during, and after of the ivf and everyone knew my story.  So going to a new store where no one new I was infertile, no one knew I'd been though a failed ivf.  It was almost refreshing to start from scratch.

So now today i'm sitting here thinking about how much I want my miracle child, how badly I want to see a little person with my eyes and my husbands nose... But for now I know that what will be will be, no matter how hard I try.  And honestly I'm ok now knowing that.  My time will come!

crewel joke?

So a few days ago a good friend of mine (who I don't see as often as I should) came into my work.  She had "good news" to tell me.   She gets a HUGE smile on her face (bigger than I've ever seen) and tells me " I'm Pregnant". 
Well a little back story before I go on with the rest of the story... I've known her for 10 years, and even though I love her deeply and will always be there for her,  a lot of things she says are very hard to believe.  Even though I usually give her the benefit of the doubt (i think that's how the saying goes).  oh and she has a 5 year old that was an opps baby.  And even though she makes it though and her daughter has everything she want, she knows another child would make it much harder.
Ok back to the part about her telly me she prego.  So I try to muster up a smile and give her a hug.  She knows I'm not very happy about her news.  I quietly say how I wish I could be happier for her and I just don't understand why things like this happen to people who don't want it to and not for the people like me who yearn for it.
So the next bomb drop... She says "but wait, I want you to adopt it".  Ok that's wonderful and I would adopt her "baby" in a heart beat.  And she knows that.  For the rest of the day she sends me a few texts saying things like I hope you are serious about adopting and how she loves me.  Meanwhile I tell my hubby and his response is "I'll believe it when i see it, don't get your hopes up". 
So not even 24hrs later she texts me and says "I got my period"  I reply I'm so sorry and then I haven't heard from her since.  I mean was she serious or was it a sick joke? I just don't know why she would joke about that with me.

On a different note... I go Tuesday to talk to my doctor to see what he says about my resent failed IVF.  I really hope he has some answers for me.  And I hope I can talk my hubby into doing another cycle soon.  I guess (like always) I just have to wait and see.

sorry for the delay.

I'm so sorry to everyone for my absence.  I'm also upset with myself because my blog was supposed to be a new exciting thing for me.  I was wanted to post and keep up no matter what happened.  Even though I am feeling better about things, It's still been really hard for me to even think about sharing my life (and nothing to exciting has been happening).   
I've always felt it was part of my IF journey to share my struggles.  I was always explaining to people what I was going though and and all the details involved.   Ever since my failed IVF I have had a complete 180, I now don't even want my best friend or my mother knowing that we are secretly taking clomid and filling up on fertility vitamins.  I'm just telling everyone (trying to convince my self) that we aren't really trying any more... more like we are just "whatevering" it. 
I'm still open to do another IVF if it's in the budget... but I really hope if we are able to do another cycle I will be able to keep it to myself.  I'm such an open book person, I just know its will be hard. 
I'm about 6 days from my next cycle, and even though i'm fairly sure this month was a wash, I can't help but hope for a miracle.  I guess all I can do is wait and see.

feeling a bit better.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm doing a lot better.  It took me till today (1 week) before I could call my RE back and schedule a follow up appt with the doc.  But I did and on May 31st hopefully I will have some answers to what may have went wrong with my cycle and maybe even figure out where we go from here.
I was so tore up inside when I found out it didn't work, but now I'm trying to look to the future with positive thoughts.  Even though I know our chances at conceiving naturally are kinda low, I still have hopes that it could happen (I hope it does). And if it doesn't I hope I can do another IVF cycle very soon.  My DH doesn't think it's a good idea to rush into it... he wants to wait a year (WHAT!!) I can not wait that long.  So hopefully when we go to talk to the doctor at the end of the month he will help my DH to think that doing it again and soon would be the right decision. 

not quite the news i wanted to share

Yesterday morning I went for my beta blood test.  At around 3 o'clock I got the call, My RE tells me "I'm sorry it came back negative".  I was so sure this IVF cycle was going to work for us.  It just hurts so much.  I think it would be easier to handle the bad news if I wasn't so positive though the who thing.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm not being punished... But I really wonder why me? Is it because I want it so very bad? is it because I was so open about the whole process?  I just don't know and don't understand.  But maybe I'm not supposed to understand.

I feel like I lost a pet, I know there are so many worse things in life.  I'm thankful for my health and my friends and family.  And despite the sadness I feel right now I know in time it will get better and I know one day some how I will be a mother.
Thank you all for following my blog I will be back to blog again soon, but for now I must take a break.

Rachel 

To pee or not to pee?

That is the question that has been heavy on my mind.  Today I am 6dp3dt and I know that It is probably (most likely) to early to test and get a true answer.  But that still doesn't stop me from wanting to.  I have 4 pregnancy test sitting on my dresser and every time I go into my room they taunt me... "pee on me, you know you want to".  I know testing early isn't going to hurt anything.  I'll even be ok if I test this early and it comes up negative, I'll know that it could just be too early, and I can just try again in a day or too.  But could it come up positive this early?  Do I really need to wait till next week?  It seems like I have been waiting for years and years to see a positive test. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. 
I hope I find the strength from somewhere to wait.  And even more than that I hope after all these years of seeing negative tests I finaly get to see a positive one. 

One other starange thing... My dogs have been on such high alert for no reason.  I wonder if they sense something with me and feel that they need to be supper protective.  Hmm I wonder!

Progesterone check in

I know it's to early to have pregnancy symptoms but I think I may have experience implantation.  For the last 2 days (ending late this afternoon) I've had very dull period like cramps, and the night before last I was woke up at about 3:30am with a sharp pain in my stomach.  I really hope it was implantation. 
Today I went in for blood work to check my  progesterone.  My RE called me back with the results around 3 and she seemed shocked with how high my level is.  She said "I can't believe yours even showed up this high, It's 40.  We like to see over 10"  I can't believe it's so high.  I know it's no indicator that I'm pregnant but it's nice to know that when I do (me attempting to be positive) find out i'm prego my body will be good at supporting it.

Today my RE gave me a little bit more good news... she said there is no reason for me to wait till the 27th to get my beta checked, I can come in Monday the 25th instead.  I know it's only 2 day sooner, but i'm super excited about it being 2 days sooner.  And I have to say, as weird as it might sound, I love Mondays.  I also think I'm going to POAS on Sunday before i go to Easter festivities.  I'm just not sure if I can go in at 8 for BW and wait till 3 for my RE to call.

PUPO

Here they are.... My 4 wonderful embys.  When we got there we waited about an hour before going back and talking with the doctor.  He came in the room and gives us this picture. As of 6am this morning we had 3 that were 4 cell and 1that was 6 cell.  So we decided to transfer 3.   We wait a little longer then they take me back to the surgical room... and they transferred my little buddies back where they belong. 
Now all we can do is wait, and relax.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to work. I can't wait to be a mommy.

today is the day

In just about 3 hours I'll have my embryos back in me, where they belong.   Right Now I'm anxiously waiting to leave my house for the hour drive to the clinic.  Once we get there at 11:45 The doctor will sit us down and talk to us about our embryos and how many we will transfer.  Then around 45 minutes later they will do a mock transfer to make sure my uterus is in a good position (I think).  I've always been told by doctors that I have a nice uterus so I hope this part goes smoothly.  Then they will make sure they have the right embryos, hopefully not to much more time later they will transfer my little buddies and I can rest for a bit then I'll be on my way home to rest for 48hr +.  oh yeah and eat my pineapple core = )
I can't wait to share how many have been transferred.   And how they all are doing.  xoxo

update after retrieval

So the results are in... I got a call today around 9:30 today with my retrieval results.  The lady started by telling me I had 16 eggs, but then continues to tell me only 9 where mature enough.  Then she tells me of those 9 only 5 fertalized, but 1 didn't make it.  But she said the 4 that did make it and they look really good.  I really hope that all 4 are high quality and then we can transfer 2 and freeze 2. 
I know 4 is great, and I should be grateful that I have so many.  But i can't help but be a little sad as the same time.  I really wish we had a few more that fertilized (just in case).  Even though I know that it only takes 1 to get prego.  Any way I go back on Thursday for the transfer.  So from Thursday on though the next 10 days or so I will be PUPO, and hopefully I will not be proven otherwise.  It feels like me and my hubby are so ready for a little one in our lives.  This is the perfect time!  Until then I will be wishing, and praying, and hoping, and dreaming.

After retrieval

I'm home from my retrieval. It went pretty quick. They took me back around 11:45 and I was wheeled out the door by 1:20. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain. They gave me some pain meds and by 2:20 (with help from the heating pad) I'm feeling so much better. They didn't tell me any information, which was kinda disappointing. But they will call tomorrow morning to tell me how many eggs I had and how many are doing well. I think I'm more nervous now waiting to see how many eggs I have and how many have fertilized.
Of course I have that fear that none of them will fertilize, but that's all it is, a fear. I know deep down that I will have so many fertilized eggies.
It's kind of funny the feeling i have about how certain I am that this is the path I am supposed to be on.  I know that our years of waiting was all for a reason and our time is almost here.
Hopefully our transfer will be Wednesday or Thursday.  I can't wait till I can report how many embies we had transferred and how many we will freeze.  I will definatley check in tomorrow when I get the call from the clinic with how many eggs we had and how many took.

my ovaries are growing an army

I knew I didn't have a problem ovulating, my problem is because of my endo and kissing ovaries.  But Today at my checkup I was shown that in an emergency I could possibly supply eggs for an army of women.   I know not all follicles contain an egg but today I had 20 follicles between my two ovaries.  I mean really 20? My doctor figured I would have maybe 10 by the time I get to egg retrieval.   Well I guess I proved him wrong.  I'm still a few days away from the retrieval and I already have so many. 
I can't remember the sizes of each, But I know I have 12 follies in my left, sizing from 8mm to 18mm.   And 8 follies on my right, sizing from 11mm to 22mm.  Crazy that I can still move around with out to much pain.
Now I just wait to here from the doctors office. After they review my labs they will be calling to tell me if they want to see me again tomorrow for monitoring, or if I just go in Monday for my retrieval. 

I can't believe after more than 3 1/2 years of TTC this day is so close.  It's so surreal! 

my first view of my follies.

Today I went to have an ultrasound to see how my follies are growing.  I have to admit I had a deep fear that I would have only one or even none.  I was way wrong.  I'm a super follical grower.  I'm only 6 days in on my stims and I have 13 follies so far.  I have 6 on the right side, biggest measured 16mm and the smallest measured 11mm.  And I have 7 follies on the left, biggest measured 12mm and the smallest measured 7mm.  And my RE is positive that by the time I go back on Friday for my next ultrasound I will have many more follies.  She even is estimating that I will have my ER (egg retrieval) on Monday.  I'm so excited!  I'll be PUPO before I know it.

Its was so cool seeing all the follicles, thinking that 1 or even 2 of those will be my future babies.

quick update

I just wanted to check in.  Today I am on day 5 of my stims.  Thus far I've been able to have my hubby give me my shots. But after today I have to work 3 night shifts in a row, and my helper can't come with.  So today against all my will I have to try and give myself a shot.  I have absolutely no problems with needle.  I have tattoos and always watch when giving blood.  But there is something unnatural about having to stick yourself with a needle.  I will get over it and just do it, why? because I have no choice.  I know once I do it it isn't going to be that bad.

Tomorrow I go in for more  blood work and another ultrasound.  They will be checking to see how many follicles I have thus far and see how big they are.   I don't really know what to expect.  I don't know how many follies there will be or how big they should be, but I guess I find that all out tomorrow.

I feel so good.  I thought by this point I'd be such a mess.  I figured I would be crying all the time and happy one moment and bitchy the next.  I was wrong, I feel positive and happy (other than a small bit of cramps from the folistim I'm on) I really feel great.  I guess I could be speeking to soon... I guess we shall see.

Till next time, when I hopefully can report good news of having tons of good sized follies. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

P.S. I just wanted to add That I did it! I gave myself a shot.  I really didn't want to but I did and it wasn't that bad.  Yippy!!!

movie night

   Today My DH and I went to dinner and a movie with my brother (BTW saw Limitless, it was great) Well the only problem was that I had to give myself my folistim injection at 8.  We went to dinner at 6 and the movie started at 7:45.  The problem occurred that I need to have my injection in the middle of all this, hmm what to do?  So I got a lunch bag and put my folistim on ice.  And there I am in the parking lot of the movie theater holding my shirt up having my DH inject me in the belly.  All I could think was, I hope no one see's this going on and thinks we are crack heads or something.  Anyway every thing went fine and on this day 2 of my stims I feel perfectly fine.

Day One

Today I had my Baseline appointment to make sure everything is still in working order.  Well everything looked great.  So tonight I started my first injection of my Follistim. My hubby was home so I made him do it for me, even though it didn't hurt at all.  I'm pretty sure I'll be able to do it myself next time. 
This being my first day of my meds means in about one month from now I can POAS (pee on a stick), and Fingers crossed, I get to see my first positive ever.  How exciting is that?  Oh I can't wait.

easy but creative and yummy

First a quick update.  I finished my 5 days of birth control. Now I play the waiting game till Friday when I go in for my baseline appointment.  They will take blood and do an internal ultrasound.  Then that night I will start my first day of my stim injection (225mg of Follistim), then the party really gets started. 

On a previous post I said I was going to start doing some crafts and baking.  Well I didn't do anything to difficult, but I want to share what I did any way.
First I made a pillow for my beagle.  He always steels mine so I figured I would sew 1 just for him.  My sewing machine broke so it was sewn 100% by hand.

Next Up I was craving sweets so I decided to make chocolate covered pretzels.  They where so easy to make.  All I did was melt the chocolate in the microwave and dipped and drizled the pretzels.  Mmmm so good!

Oh yeah I dipped some strawberries while I was at it too. Now i'm off to make a nice hot cup of tea and eat some sweet treats.

appt went well.

Mondays doctors appt went well.  I went in the morning for blood work to see if my estrogen was low enough, so I can just start birth control.  Rather than waiting for AF.  Well good news, no AF but I was able to start taking My BC pills.  YIPPY!  Yippy except the fact that I've been off BC for so long that I forgot how sick it makes me.  O Well I only have to be on it for 5 days.  I think after everything I've been through and will go through 5 days of bc is like nothing.
Now (other than BC) I'm just waiting for April 1st so I can go in for my Baseline appt.  They will do Blood work and a ultrasound and then I will start my Stim injections that day.
On a totally unrelated note I think I am going to start doing 1 craft or baked good a week (maybe more)  and sharing it with you ladies.  I love doing crafts and cooking but I've been so consumed with all of this baby making stuff that I haven't done anything in quite a long time.   I think sharing it with everyone would be a good way for me to get back into it.  And maybe it will be a good distraction for me in the next few weeks.

happy and sad

Today I went to a baby shower for a friend.  She also delt with infertility for a few years.  I'm so happy for her.  She and her husband are wonderful and deserving people.  Well today I'm so sad for myself.  I just want a baby so bad.  I know it's going to happen (when it's supposed to).  Just seeing all those baby things and all the other pregnant women there reminds me of how much I want to be one of them. 
I'm also sad because I've been waiting to start AF so that I can start my IVF meds, well my RE told me I needed to start by Monday the 21st (hmm tomorrow).  It's almost Monday the 21st and no sign of AF.  We are going to go in for blood work and to talk to the doctor in the morning to see what we do next and if we are still on track for the April IVF.    My fingers are crossed that I will still be able to do everything on time.  My husband compares it to a kid waiting for Christmas morning, if you tell then Christmas is delayed they would be devastated.
I just have to stay positive and know that everything is going to happens when it's supposed to.  Destiny!

Meds = )

Well here it is!  I finally have all of my IVF medication.  It's so crazy to think that it's almost here.  I should start stim meds at the end of next week.  I'm still waiting for AF so I'm not 100% sure of what day I start.  But it's closer than it's ever been.  

Open Book

My whole life I've been very open about my life and experiences.  Being so open is my way of letting out the stress.  I couldn't imagine keeping all of these things about IF to myself, I would blow up.    I was telling someone at work that I will be off for a week in April, and when they asked why I would be out I began to tell them in unnecessary detail about my upcoming IVF.  Like people at work need to know that as soon as AF shows up I'll begin birth control and then begin injections....  I forget that not everyone needs to here about this stuff.
Now my husband on the other hand is completely opposite of me.  He would rather keep everything in and tell no one.  fingers crossed our IVF works he thinks we should not tell anyone for the first trimester.  I don't even think I'll be about to keep it in for even a day.  After almost 4 years of trying once I get my first positive I'm pretty sure I will be glowing and not be able to hide anything.


And for my progress... right now I'm taking a medication called Provera to jump start me AF (aunt flow). Once AF starts I will start BC pills.  I never thought in my whole life (or in my life dealing with IF) that I would want AF to start and that I would be happy about taking BC pills.  Then around the last week of March I will start the Injections.  It's starting to feel so real.  In only about a month and a half I will be prego. I can't wait!

just waiting

Today I went to the doctor to sign all the consent papers for our ivf and get all the pre BW in order.  As of right now I am just waiting to Start lovely Aunt flo and then I will be put on birth control to regulate my cycle and then I just wait till I get the go ahead to start my stim meds.  The time is coming for us to have or baby we have wanted so bad for so long.  Its weird but If there is one thing I know in life, it is that IVF is the journey I am suposed to be on.  I know it is going to work I just know. 

Good bye coffee, you will be missed.

Last month I gave myself a deadline to quit drinking coffee/caffeine.  Well that day has sadly come.   Today will be my first day without it, and I really hope I can make it.  It's probably not the best day to give it up seeing as I have to work 5pm-1:30am.  I hope I don't but I'm already predicting that today isn't going to be that successful.

Wish me luck! 

Two tickets on a time machine to April.

I wish I could just hop in a time machine and have it take me to the day at the end of April where I get the results of my Pregnancy test.  Or even take me to the week when I start my IVF protocol.  I know that all the medication, ultrasounds, blood work.... and all the other things that go on during ivf isn't going to be a walk in the park, but I don't care I want to be there.  It's not going to feel real until actually start the process.
I go friday to talk with my RE and get the actual protocol, and all the scripts for my medication.  And hopefully I will be able to start the bc pills next weekend.  Once I start the pill to regulate my cycle it should only be a week or 2 and I can start the injectable medication.  Just thinking about staring makes me so happy.  I've been waiting over 3 years to be prego and the idea that in only a few more months I might be is so great.   Even though thinking about it makes me so happy I wish it was here already.  AHHHH I just want to be prego so bad!  I know it's going to happen, I'm more positive about this than I've ever been before.  This is the road I am supposed to be on.

I'm really new at blogging but I really hope to dictate my whole IVF journey.  Day to day, how I'm feeling, medications i'm taking, how my husband is reacting to it all. Hopefully before everyone's eye's I can happily share my positive results, and then share my pregnancy journey.

A bundle of (financial) joy

IVF's can cost so much money.  Thankfully I have Insurance that covers Infertility.  Or at least that's what I thought.  My Insurance allows us to have 10,000 life time max benefits for infertility, which we still have around 9,000 left.  Well last year our coverage was 80/20 so that means we would have only had to pay around 3,000 for our  IVF cycle.  Well thanks to consumer driven health care my insurance was changed this year to 50/50.  As blessed as I am to have any coverage at all, now with only 1 1/2 months till our IVF  we have to come up with more like 6-8 thousand to be able to afford our treatment. 
After talking over all of our options from borrowing from family to taking money out of our profit sharing... we have decided to take out a new credit card (not my favorite option, I hate to be more in debt when a baby comes).  Thant brings me to my latest thought, we will be putting our baby on credit.  I think it's kind of funny.  Of all the strange things people put on credit and all the things I've put on credit I never thought I would be putting my baby on credit. 


We have our next doctors apointment next friday, March 4th, to talk about the details of our IVF.  I will know exactly what medication I will be talking and when I will start the meds.  I can't wait, less than 2 months left to wait is nothing when I think back on the last 3 1/2 years we have been trying.

My first blog post ever!

Hi my name is Rachel and My husbands name is Joe we have been TTC for over 3 years.  If someone would have told me 4 years ago I wouldn't have a child by now I would have said no way, no one in my family or my hubbies has ever had IF trouble.  But I guess there has to be one in every family, and that one is me.
Now after going though all the stages (denial, anger, acceptance.....) I know that everything happens for a reason and even though I might not always know the reason I know that I will have my miracle(s) that I long for. 
Right now I am nearing the end of a three month treatment of  Lupron Depot (a medication that puts me into temporary menopause to help relieve my endo symptoms, and help me conceive).  I'm waiting for AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does I will be starting BC pills in order to regulate my cycle to be able to start my first (and hopefully only) round of IVF. 
I know this is the path for me, I can feel it deep down in my bones!