the goings on.

I've been gone from blogging for too long.  Every time I think I'm going to post I just draw a blank.  It's like I have so much and nothing going on at the same time. Between the passing of my dear sweet grandma, my miscarriage and a few close friends also having miscarriages, and a friend from high school sadly taking his own life I've been on a up and down emotional roller coaster.  And on top of all that last week a local girl (I didn't personally know, but many people I do did) was murdered. And It really effected me.  I mean what kind of world do we live in where 3 miles away from me a young boy kills his beautiful 17 year old girlfriend?  What could she have possible done so wrong?  Nothing I'm sure!
In regards to my grandma, She was a vivacious, strong, beautiful, 92 (would have been 93 1 month after her passing) year old.  She live a wonderful life, and got to share it with 4 children, 9 grandchildren (3 girls 6 boys), and  9 Great grandchildren (3 girls, 6 boys).  We all miss her so much, but knowing she is happily a peace dancing the polka with her husband, my grandfather brings much peace to us all.  She knows she was loved and I believe she will forever show us how much she loves us by watching and protecting us.

It has been almost 2 months since my miscarriage and I have to say I took the whole situation as a blessing.  I'm not saying it wasn't hard on me.  It's just to say that after 4 years of trying I now know that my body can do it... it can actually make a baby (one it's own).  Which I have to say I was starting to loose hope.  But now that my hope is slightly restored that it will happen one day, I get really anxious and wish it would just happen again right now.  It's like it took me 4 years to finally relax about the whole ttc thing and now all of a sudden I feel like I'm back at the beginning, trying from day 1 again. 
Right now I'm 10 days past ovulation, and as of this morning I couldn't wait so I poas and it was a BFN = (  I was feeling really good about everything this month.  I have been on a great workout schedule, I even ran in my first 5k, I've been eating really healthy (less red meat more spinach and salad, and less coffee and pop more juice and water), I've been trying to be positive, despite the challenges in my life.  I guess I can't expect it to happen when I want to, I have to continue to live my life full of happiness joy and faith... and know that when the time is right its will happen.  Even if that means a month from now or a years from now. 
  xoxo
 Rachel