not quite the news i wanted to share

Yesterday morning I went for my beta blood test.  At around 3 o'clock I got the call, My RE tells me "I'm sorry it came back negative".  I was so sure this IVF cycle was going to work for us.  It just hurts so much.  I think it would be easier to handle the bad news if I wasn't so positive though the who thing.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm not being punished... But I really wonder why me? Is it because I want it so very bad? is it because I was so open about the whole process?  I just don't know and don't understand.  But maybe I'm not supposed to understand.

I feel like I lost a pet, I know there are so many worse things in life.  I'm thankful for my health and my friends and family.  And despite the sadness I feel right now I know in time it will get better and I know one day some how I will be a mother.
Thank you all for following my blog I will be back to blog again soon, but for now I must take a break.

Rachel 

To pee or not to pee?

That is the question that has been heavy on my mind.  Today I am 6dp3dt and I know that It is probably (most likely) to early to test and get a true answer.  But that still doesn't stop me from wanting to.  I have 4 pregnancy test sitting on my dresser and every time I go into my room they taunt me... "pee on me, you know you want to".  I know testing early isn't going to hurt anything.  I'll even be ok if I test this early and it comes up negative, I'll know that it could just be too early, and I can just try again in a day or too.  But could it come up positive this early?  Do I really need to wait till next week?  It seems like I have been waiting for years and years to see a positive test. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. 
I hope I find the strength from somewhere to wait.  And even more than that I hope after all these years of seeing negative tests I finaly get to see a positive one. 

One other starange thing... My dogs have been on such high alert for no reason.  I wonder if they sense something with me and feel that they need to be supper protective.  Hmm I wonder!

Progesterone check in

I know it's to early to have pregnancy symptoms but I think I may have experience implantation.  For the last 2 days (ending late this afternoon) I've had very dull period like cramps, and the night before last I was woke up at about 3:30am with a sharp pain in my stomach.  I really hope it was implantation. 
Today I went in for blood work to check my  progesterone.  My RE called me back with the results around 3 and she seemed shocked with how high my level is.  She said "I can't believe yours even showed up this high, It's 40.  We like to see over 10"  I can't believe it's so high.  I know it's no indicator that I'm pregnant but it's nice to know that when I do (me attempting to be positive) find out i'm prego my body will be good at supporting it.

Today my RE gave me a little bit more good news... she said there is no reason for me to wait till the 27th to get my beta checked, I can come in Monday the 25th instead.  I know it's only 2 day sooner, but i'm super excited about it being 2 days sooner.  And I have to say, as weird as it might sound, I love Mondays.  I also think I'm going to POAS on Sunday before i go to Easter festivities.  I'm just not sure if I can go in at 8 for BW and wait till 3 for my RE to call.

PUPO

Here they are.... My 4 wonderful embys.  When we got there we waited about an hour before going back and talking with the doctor.  He came in the room and gives us this picture. As of 6am this morning we had 3 that were 4 cell and 1that was 6 cell.  So we decided to transfer 3.   We wait a little longer then they take me back to the surgical room... and they transferred my little buddies back where they belong. 
Now all we can do is wait, and relax.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to work. I can't wait to be a mommy.

today is the day

In just about 3 hours I'll have my embryos back in me, where they belong.   Right Now I'm anxiously waiting to leave my house for the hour drive to the clinic.  Once we get there at 11:45 The doctor will sit us down and talk to us about our embryos and how many we will transfer.  Then around 45 minutes later they will do a mock transfer to make sure my uterus is in a good position (I think).  I've always been told by doctors that I have a nice uterus so I hope this part goes smoothly.  Then they will make sure they have the right embryos, hopefully not to much more time later they will transfer my little buddies and I can rest for a bit then I'll be on my way home to rest for 48hr +.  oh yeah and eat my pineapple core = )
I can't wait to share how many have been transferred.   And how they all are doing.  xoxo

update after retrieval

So the results are in... I got a call today around 9:30 today with my retrieval results.  The lady started by telling me I had 16 eggs, but then continues to tell me only 9 where mature enough.  Then she tells me of those 9 only 5 fertalized, but 1 didn't make it.  But she said the 4 that did make it and they look really good.  I really hope that all 4 are high quality and then we can transfer 2 and freeze 2. 
I know 4 is great, and I should be grateful that I have so many.  But i can't help but be a little sad as the same time.  I really wish we had a few more that fertilized (just in case).  Even though I know that it only takes 1 to get prego.  Any way I go back on Thursday for the transfer.  So from Thursday on though the next 10 days or so I will be PUPO, and hopefully I will not be proven otherwise.  It feels like me and my hubby are so ready for a little one in our lives.  This is the perfect time!  Until then I will be wishing, and praying, and hoping, and dreaming.

After retrieval

I'm home from my retrieval. It went pretty quick. They took me back around 11:45 and I was wheeled out the door by 1:20. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain. They gave me some pain meds and by 2:20 (with help from the heating pad) I'm feeling so much better. They didn't tell me any information, which was kinda disappointing. But they will call tomorrow morning to tell me how many eggs I had and how many are doing well. I think I'm more nervous now waiting to see how many eggs I have and how many have fertilized.
Of course I have that fear that none of them will fertilize, but that's all it is, a fear. I know deep down that I will have so many fertilized eggies.
It's kind of funny the feeling i have about how certain I am that this is the path I am supposed to be on.  I know that our years of waiting was all for a reason and our time is almost here.
Hopefully our transfer will be Wednesday or Thursday.  I can't wait till I can report how many embies we had transferred and how many we will freeze.  I will definatley check in tomorrow when I get the call from the clinic with how many eggs we had and how many took.

my ovaries are growing an army

I knew I didn't have a problem ovulating, my problem is because of my endo and kissing ovaries.  But Today at my checkup I was shown that in an emergency I could possibly supply eggs for an army of women.   I know not all follicles contain an egg but today I had 20 follicles between my two ovaries.  I mean really 20? My doctor figured I would have maybe 10 by the time I get to egg retrieval.   Well I guess I proved him wrong.  I'm still a few days away from the retrieval and I already have so many. 
I can't remember the sizes of each, But I know I have 12 follies in my left, sizing from 8mm to 18mm.   And 8 follies on my right, sizing from 11mm to 22mm.  Crazy that I can still move around with out to much pain.
Now I just wait to here from the doctors office. After they review my labs they will be calling to tell me if they want to see me again tomorrow for monitoring, or if I just go in Monday for my retrieval. 

I can't believe after more than 3 1/2 years of TTC this day is so close.  It's so surreal! 

my first view of my follies.

Today I went to have an ultrasound to see how my follies are growing.  I have to admit I had a deep fear that I would have only one or even none.  I was way wrong.  I'm a super follical grower.  I'm only 6 days in on my stims and I have 13 follies so far.  I have 6 on the right side, biggest measured 16mm and the smallest measured 11mm.  And I have 7 follies on the left, biggest measured 12mm and the smallest measured 7mm.  And my RE is positive that by the time I go back on Friday for my next ultrasound I will have many more follies.  She even is estimating that I will have my ER (egg retrieval) on Monday.  I'm so excited!  I'll be PUPO before I know it.

Its was so cool seeing all the follicles, thinking that 1 or even 2 of those will be my future babies.

quick update

I just wanted to check in.  Today I am on day 5 of my stims.  Thus far I've been able to have my hubby give me my shots. But after today I have to work 3 night shifts in a row, and my helper can't come with.  So today against all my will I have to try and give myself a shot.  I have absolutely no problems with needle.  I have tattoos and always watch when giving blood.  But there is something unnatural about having to stick yourself with a needle.  I will get over it and just do it, why? because I have no choice.  I know once I do it it isn't going to be that bad.

Tomorrow I go in for more  blood work and another ultrasound.  They will be checking to see how many follicles I have thus far and see how big they are.   I don't really know what to expect.  I don't know how many follies there will be or how big they should be, but I guess I find that all out tomorrow.

I feel so good.  I thought by this point I'd be such a mess.  I figured I would be crying all the time and happy one moment and bitchy the next.  I was wrong, I feel positive and happy (other than a small bit of cramps from the folistim I'm on) I really feel great.  I guess I could be speeking to soon... I guess we shall see.

Till next time, when I hopefully can report good news of having tons of good sized follies. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

P.S. I just wanted to add That I did it! I gave myself a shot.  I really didn't want to but I did and it wasn't that bad.  Yippy!!!

movie night

   Today My DH and I went to dinner and a movie with my brother (BTW saw Limitless, it was great) Well the only problem was that I had to give myself my folistim injection at 8.  We went to dinner at 6 and the movie started at 7:45.  The problem occurred that I need to have my injection in the middle of all this, hmm what to do?  So I got a lunch bag and put my folistim on ice.  And there I am in the parking lot of the movie theater holding my shirt up having my DH inject me in the belly.  All I could think was, I hope no one see's this going on and thinks we are crack heads or something.  Anyway every thing went fine and on this day 2 of my stims I feel perfectly fine.

Day One

Today I had my Baseline appointment to make sure everything is still in working order.  Well everything looked great.  So tonight I started my first injection of my Follistim. My hubby was home so I made him do it for me, even though it didn't hurt at all.  I'm pretty sure I'll be able to do it myself next time. 
This being my first day of my meds means in about one month from now I can POAS (pee on a stick), and Fingers crossed, I get to see my first positive ever.  How exciting is that?  Oh I can't wait.