I have been sort of dreading today. Last July I became pregnant, and last August 1st I had a misscariage. Well today would have been my due date. It's crazy that it's been that long since my loss. I know that I will have my child when the time is right, it's a power stronger than me. I simply can't force it.
I was also curious about where I was in m cycle last year on April 1st ( because I feel because of it being my due date it must have some sagnificants) well it does, today a year ago was day 1 of my IVF cycle, it was the day I started my injections for a cycle that didn't work.
Today will not make me sad, it will only make me stronger... Each day that goes by without children will only bring me closer to the day when I get to meet my futur children.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I've spent enough time being lazy. And a small scare.
Last year after my failed ivf I signed up for the gym. I started strong, going 3 to 5 times a week, I even think my going to the gym had something to do with my short summer pregnancy ( even though it didn't last long). Well I went all summer I even ran a few 5k's and worked out when I was on vacation. Well after late November I took a break... Bad idea. My break turned into me telling myself "oh it's the holidays, it's ok to take a break" well 1 month quickly turned into 4 months. I did the typical bargaining with myself as to why I didn't need to go. Even though I'm not over weight and for the most part not out of shape, I know deep down working out and eating healthy is good for my future self and maybe even my fertility.
So this week I gave myself an altimatum, go back to the gym this week or quit. And the idea of quoting kinda made me feel like I failed. So last Tuesday I did it, I went back. Ive only been there twice so far and I have to say my whole body achs like crazy, but it is an amazing feeling to know I'm back at it. Just being back a few times makes me know I need to keep doing it. I should never have stopped.
It's not going to be easy but my health will thank me later. I just have to remember how hard it is to come back after a break. And not let myself get lazy again.
And as for my scare... About 5 months ago (after my miscarage) I started getting a strange pain in my left Brest. The pain was only present after I ovulated and would go away when my period started. Each month the pain would get worse and by the 3rd month I felt a lump. I'm really good at telling myself there is nothing wrong with me, so I kept telling myself I as fine. Well last month the pain and the lump got much worse. And to push me over the edge my aunt on my moms side was just diagnosed with breast cancer. So it the words of my husband I got myself to the doctor befor it was to late. I got in to see my gyno right away. Then he sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound. I am happy to say I am perfectly fine. The lump if a hard piece of tissue that is kinda like a cyst and it fluctuates with my cycle. But it's nothing to worry about. Thank goodness. I'm so relieved that my lump is nothing. I now think its never to soon to get a mammogram. I encourage every lady to do self checks and go for mammograms if you have any family history of breast cancer.
So this week I gave myself an altimatum, go back to the gym this week or quit. And the idea of quoting kinda made me feel like I failed. So last Tuesday I did it, I went back. Ive only been there twice so far and I have to say my whole body achs like crazy, but it is an amazing feeling to know I'm back at it. Just being back a few times makes me know I need to keep doing it. I should never have stopped.
It's not going to be easy but my health will thank me later. I just have to remember how hard it is to come back after a break. And not let myself get lazy again.
And as for my scare... About 5 months ago (after my miscarage) I started getting a strange pain in my left Brest. The pain was only present after I ovulated and would go away when my period started. Each month the pain would get worse and by the 3rd month I felt a lump. I'm really good at telling myself there is nothing wrong with me, so I kept telling myself I as fine. Well last month the pain and the lump got much worse. And to push me over the edge my aunt on my moms side was just diagnosed with breast cancer. So it the words of my husband I got myself to the doctor befor it was to late. I got in to see my gyno right away. Then he sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound. I am happy to say I am perfectly fine. The lump if a hard piece of tissue that is kinda like a cyst and it fluctuates with my cycle. But it's nothing to worry about. Thank goodness. I'm so relieved that my lump is nothing. I now think its never to soon to get a mammogram. I encourage every lady to do self checks and go for mammograms if you have any family history of breast cancer.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Experation date
So I was thinking about how a year ago I was getting ready to go though my ivf. And as many of you know us infertals collect ALOT of fertility meds. Some of us use them all up but others end up with this stash of leftover meds we don't know what to do with... So I was wondering what the expectation dates were on some of my more expensive meds I had. So I looked in My fridge where I keep my extra folistim, and the date was August 2013 ( which also happens to be the month and year I turn 30). So my hubby and I decide if it hasn't happened naturally befor then we will, no matter what, do ivf again at the end of spring/ beggining of summer 2013.
It seems like such a long ways away but in reality ive been waiting 4 1/2 years so waiting a little over a year to do it again really isn't that long.
And I know that there is still hope it will happen sooner, and the time we have between now and then is time I must need to prepare myself and my body for life with children.
It seems like such a long ways away but in reality ive been waiting 4 1/2 years so waiting a little over a year to do it again really isn't that long.
And I know that there is still hope it will happen sooner, and the time we have between now and then is time I must need to prepare myself and my body for life with children.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Pardon my pitty party
I never wanted to be a blogger/person who complains and is a downer... I always try to think of the positives in life and be grateful. I like to think of myself as that person you meet that would always make you smile or laugh. But lately I can't fight the feelings, I can't help but to think things that make me sad.
It doesn't help that every day I log into facebook someone else is pregnant or spouse is expecting. Its a weird thing that I feel about others anouncing there pregnancies. I honestly with all my heart am so happy for them, but so so sad for myself. I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure it's jealousy I feel. I really hate feeling this way, but after almost 5 years of trying I can't help but entertain the idea that i may go the rest of my life childless. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time and options but right now i'm in a slum. Last April when I went through IVF and it failed I picked myself up with the thought that we would wait a year and try again... Well a year has come and there is no plans in sight. Now the idea of another IVF feels so far away if ever. With my husband deciding to go for his masters (which I know is amazing for our future, and i am truly happy about) and our lack of money for more fertility treatment, it's just hard to be positive.
Another reason I've been fighting these sad feelings is because April 1st would have been my due date from my short summer pregnancy/miscarriage. And thinking that i could be 7 months pregnant just makes me sad. Thinking about it does remind me that I did get pregnant once and I know it will happen again, it's just the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen that brings me back down.
I am truly honestly happy for each person whether its your first pregnancy or your fifth... I will be ok it's just another hurdle for me to get though in this crazy journey. It will in the long haul make me a stronger better person, and a better mother when ever and however that may be.
It doesn't help that every day I log into facebook someone else is pregnant or spouse is expecting. Its a weird thing that I feel about others anouncing there pregnancies. I honestly with all my heart am so happy for them, but so so sad for myself. I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure it's jealousy I feel. I really hate feeling this way, but after almost 5 years of trying I can't help but entertain the idea that i may go the rest of my life childless. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time and options but right now i'm in a slum. Last April when I went through IVF and it failed I picked myself up with the thought that we would wait a year and try again... Well a year has come and there is no plans in sight. Now the idea of another IVF feels so far away if ever. With my husband deciding to go for his masters (which I know is amazing for our future, and i am truly happy about) and our lack of money for more fertility treatment, it's just hard to be positive.
Another reason I've been fighting these sad feelings is because April 1st would have been my due date from my short summer pregnancy/miscarriage. And thinking that i could be 7 months pregnant just makes me sad. Thinking about it does remind me that I did get pregnant once and I know it will happen again, it's just the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen that brings me back down.
I am truly honestly happy for each person whether its your first pregnancy or your fifth... I will be ok it's just another hurdle for me to get though in this crazy journey. It will in the long haul make me a stronger better person, and a better mother when ever and however that may be.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I'm sorry for your loss.
Yesterday I found out that my step sister in law had a miscarriage. She was around 8 or 9 weeks and it would have been her 2nd child. Before christmas she told my mom and step dad and waited to tell everyone else till christmas. Well I found out earlier when my mom found out, so I sent her a little (private) face Book message to congratulate her. And I never heard back from her.
Let me go back a little and say that her and I had our Weddings only one month apart and also started TTC about the same time. I know from the things she has said to my mom and the distance that she has kept from me that she sort of feels bad that I have had such a hard time conceiving and that she has had a baby. She has told my mom on the past that she is afraid to talk to me. And because we aren't to close its hard for me to talk to her and make her understand that I'm ok, I'm happy for her (well other that the unfortunate miscarriage), and it's ok to talk about babies around me.
Now that she is going through this hard time I want to reach out I her more than ever and tell her I'm there for her and I know what she is going though. I'm so sad and sorry for her loss. But I can't, we just aren't close enough. But here right now on this post (even though I know she will never read it) I want to say those things to her. We are not close but I love them. I'm here for her and my heart achs for them.
Let me go back a little and say that her and I had our Weddings only one month apart and also started TTC about the same time. I know from the things she has said to my mom and the distance that she has kept from me that she sort of feels bad that I have had such a hard time conceiving and that she has had a baby. She has told my mom on the past that she is afraid to talk to me. And because we aren't to close its hard for me to talk to her and make her understand that I'm ok, I'm happy for her (well other that the unfortunate miscarriage), and it's ok to talk about babies around me.
Now that she is going through this hard time I want to reach out I her more than ever and tell her I'm there for her and I know what she is going though. I'm so sad and sorry for her loss. But I can't, we just aren't close enough. But here right now on this post (even though I know she will never read it) I want to say those things to her. We are not close but I love them. I'm here for her and my heart achs for them.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'm ready for a new year
Today I logged on to catch up on the new years blogs and to write a much needed post of my own. Much needed because I just haven't been able to put my thoughts down on paper lately. I start to write a blog post and then my mind runs blank. Well no blanks today! I've got so much to think back on, so much that has happened in the last year.
Thinking all the way back to last New Years Eve, I remember being sad about the 3 plus years I had been dealing with infertility and the 2 years of unemployment my husband was dealing with. But also I remember being so excited of the things that I thought 2011 was going to bring. We moved our infertility journey to the next level. We started our IVF cycle in April, which ended with the dreaded BFN. Thinking back on all the shots and all the time spent in the doctors office, it almost feels surreal... like it didn't even happen. Maybe it was a dream. My failed cycle left me sad but thinking back I know it happened that way for a reason. We were trying to rush the future, and it just doesn't work that way. I have defiantly learned patients.
In this last year I have also experienced loss (on a quick side note, I know plenty of wonderful things happened this year but looking back its the tough things that I'm thinking about) In July my wonderful grandma had a stroke and just under 2 months of fighting her battle she was taken up to be with god and my grandpa. Losing her was very hard for the whole family, but she lived a long 92 year full of life, love, and so much happiness. And if looking back on her wonderful life doesn't make you smile i don't know what will.
During my grandmas struggle in the hospital I was taught another very important lesson... let me first explain by saying... I have a few friends and family members who have struggled with miscarriages. A few of which have had multiple losses in there lives. Well after the failed IVF i was in a slum and starting to feel sorry for myself, so my new way of thinking was at least women who have had miscarriages know they can get pregnant ( see i'd never been pregnant ) Bam like lightning in the end of July I got my first positive test, only to be fallowed with a miscarriage a week later. I was sad but I was ok I knew that it was a learning opportunity for me. It was a way of showing me that yes it is going to happen, when the time is right (the time just wasn't right yet). And that is amazing in it self. Everything will happen in time when it is supposed to.
I am very hopeful that 2012 will bring great things. As much as i want to i'm not going to tell myself that this is defiantly the year we will have our baby, But I will say that if this is the year then I'm so excited but if its not then I know that 2012 will only bring us that much closer to our miracle. December 2011 my hubby finally found a job, which is the first great start to 2012. And he will also graduate this year which means a ton of wonderful things are going to happen this year just because of that. We are getting closer to all the amazing things that we have been waiting for. Ahh I'm actually really excited for the things that are to come.
Happy New Year to everyone, May this year bring happiness, health, and lots of wonderful things.
Thinking all the way back to last New Years Eve, I remember being sad about the 3 plus years I had been dealing with infertility and the 2 years of unemployment my husband was dealing with. But also I remember being so excited of the things that I thought 2011 was going to bring. We moved our infertility journey to the next level. We started our IVF cycle in April, which ended with the dreaded BFN. Thinking back on all the shots and all the time spent in the doctors office, it almost feels surreal... like it didn't even happen. Maybe it was a dream. My failed cycle left me sad but thinking back I know it happened that way for a reason. We were trying to rush the future, and it just doesn't work that way. I have defiantly learned patients.
In this last year I have also experienced loss (on a quick side note, I know plenty of wonderful things happened this year but looking back its the tough things that I'm thinking about) In July my wonderful grandma had a stroke and just under 2 months of fighting her battle she was taken up to be with god and my grandpa. Losing her was very hard for the whole family, but she lived a long 92 year full of life, love, and so much happiness. And if looking back on her wonderful life doesn't make you smile i don't know what will.
During my grandmas struggle in the hospital I was taught another very important lesson... let me first explain by saying... I have a few friends and family members who have struggled with miscarriages. A few of which have had multiple losses in there lives. Well after the failed IVF i was in a slum and starting to feel sorry for myself, so my new way of thinking was at least women who have had miscarriages know they can get pregnant ( see i'd never been pregnant ) Bam like lightning in the end of July I got my first positive test, only to be fallowed with a miscarriage a week later. I was sad but I was ok I knew that it was a learning opportunity for me. It was a way of showing me that yes it is going to happen, when the time is right (the time just wasn't right yet). And that is amazing in it self. Everything will happen in time when it is supposed to.
I am very hopeful that 2012 will bring great things. As much as i want to i'm not going to tell myself that this is defiantly the year we will have our baby, But I will say that if this is the year then I'm so excited but if its not then I know that 2012 will only bring us that much closer to our miracle. December 2011 my hubby finally found a job, which is the first great start to 2012. And he will also graduate this year which means a ton of wonderful things are going to happen this year just because of that. We are getting closer to all the amazing things that we have been waiting for. Ahh I'm actually really excited for the things that are to come.
Happy New Year to everyone, May this year bring happiness, health, and lots of wonderful things.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The start of my new kitchen.
So for the last few months my hubby has been spending all of his free time away from me. No not doing anything bad, he's been spending all the time he has teaching himself how to be a master woodworker (I admit that kind of does sound bad, lol). No but seriously he's been building us custom cabinets. About a year ago we started talking about replacing the old cabinets and after looking around and pricing different locations he says to me "hunny I think I can build them myself". I tried to be supportive but also tried to talk him out of it. I know he can do anything but at the time he had never done anything like it. I just knew it wouldn't be easy.
After a few months of debate back and forth of whether we should buy or build, he won the battle. So slowly he researched and gradually bought tools, and in September he got an amazing monetary gift from his parents and was able to but the majority of the rest of the supplies he needed to build (in completion) the base cabinets. And after him spending 2 months in the garage I am proud to show some pictures of my new cabinets.
Before looking let me warn you... (even though I love my little house) my kitchen Is mighty small.
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| New base cabinets without drawer fronts and counter |
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| my beagle Simon just had to be in this picture, lol. |
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| This will be the color of our new counter that should arrive in a little over a week |
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Last but not least the cabinet with wine rack above the fridge, I have to add that last year my hubby removed a wall in our house and built this fridge nook in its place.
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| We went for a walk through a corn maze. |
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| and got lost and hungry |
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| sunset in new buffalo |
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