Pardon my pitty party

  I never wanted to be a blogger/person who complains and is a downer... I always try to think of the positives in life and be grateful.  I like to think of myself as that person you meet that would always make you smile or laugh.  But lately I can't fight the feelings, I can't help but to think things that make me sad.
  It doesn't help that every day I log into facebook someone else is pregnant or spouse is expecting.  Its a weird thing that I feel about others anouncing there pregnancies.  I honestly with all my heart am so happy for them, but so so sad for myself.  I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure it's jealousy I feel.  I really hate feeling this way, but after almost 5 years of trying I can't help but entertain the idea that i may go the rest of my life childless.  I know I'm young and I have plenty of time and options but right now i'm in a slum.   Last April when I went through IVF and it failed I picked myself up with the thought that we would wait a year and try again... Well a year has come and there is no plans in sight.  Now the idea of another IVF feels so far away if ever.  With my husband deciding to go for his masters (which I know is amazing for our future, and i am truly happy about) and our lack of money for more fertility treatment, it's just hard to be positive. 
  Another reason I've been fighting these sad feelings is because April 1st would have been my due date from my short summer pregnancy/miscarriage.  And thinking that i could be 7 months pregnant just makes me sad.  Thinking about it does remind me that I did get pregnant once and I know it will happen again, it's just the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen that brings me back down.

I am truly honestly happy for each person whether its your first pregnancy or your fifth... I will be ok it's just another hurdle for me to get though in this crazy journey.  It will in the long haul make me a stronger better person, and a better mother when ever and however that may be.