So I was thinking about how a year ago I was getting ready to go though my ivf. And as many of you know us infertals collect ALOT of fertility meds. Some of us use them all up but others end up with this stash of leftover meds we don't know what to do with... So I was wondering what the expectation dates were on some of my more expensive meds I had. So I looked in My fridge where I keep my extra folistim, and the date was August 2013 ( which also happens to be the month and year I turn 30). So my hubby and I decide if it hasn't happened naturally befor then we will, no matter what, do ivf again at the end of spring/ beggining of summer 2013.
It seems like such a long ways away but in reality ive been waiting 4 1/2 years so waiting a little over a year to do it again really isn't that long.
And I know that there is still hope it will happen sooner, and the time we have between now and then is time I must need to prepare myself and my body for life with children.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Pardon my pitty party
I never wanted to be a blogger/person who complains and is a downer... I always try to think of the positives in life and be grateful. I like to think of myself as that person you meet that would always make you smile or laugh. But lately I can't fight the feelings, I can't help but to think things that make me sad.
It doesn't help that every day I log into facebook someone else is pregnant or spouse is expecting. Its a weird thing that I feel about others anouncing there pregnancies. I honestly with all my heart am so happy for them, but so so sad for myself. I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure it's jealousy I feel. I really hate feeling this way, but after almost 5 years of trying I can't help but entertain the idea that i may go the rest of my life childless. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time and options but right now i'm in a slum. Last April when I went through IVF and it failed I picked myself up with the thought that we would wait a year and try again... Well a year has come and there is no plans in sight. Now the idea of another IVF feels so far away if ever. With my husband deciding to go for his masters (which I know is amazing for our future, and i am truly happy about) and our lack of money for more fertility treatment, it's just hard to be positive.
Another reason I've been fighting these sad feelings is because April 1st would have been my due date from my short summer pregnancy/miscarriage. And thinking that i could be 7 months pregnant just makes me sad. Thinking about it does remind me that I did get pregnant once and I know it will happen again, it's just the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen that brings me back down.
I am truly honestly happy for each person whether its your first pregnancy or your fifth... I will be ok it's just another hurdle for me to get though in this crazy journey. It will in the long haul make me a stronger better person, and a better mother when ever and however that may be.
It doesn't help that every day I log into facebook someone else is pregnant or spouse is expecting. Its a weird thing that I feel about others anouncing there pregnancies. I honestly with all my heart am so happy for them, but so so sad for myself. I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure it's jealousy I feel. I really hate feeling this way, but after almost 5 years of trying I can't help but entertain the idea that i may go the rest of my life childless. I know I'm young and I have plenty of time and options but right now i'm in a slum. Last April when I went through IVF and it failed I picked myself up with the thought that we would wait a year and try again... Well a year has come and there is no plans in sight. Now the idea of another IVF feels so far away if ever. With my husband deciding to go for his masters (which I know is amazing for our future, and i am truly happy about) and our lack of money for more fertility treatment, it's just hard to be positive.
Another reason I've been fighting these sad feelings is because April 1st would have been my due date from my short summer pregnancy/miscarriage. And thinking that i could be 7 months pregnant just makes me sad. Thinking about it does remind me that I did get pregnant once and I know it will happen again, it's just the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen that brings me back down.
I am truly honestly happy for each person whether its your first pregnancy or your fifth... I will be ok it's just another hurdle for me to get though in this crazy journey. It will in the long haul make me a stronger better person, and a better mother when ever and however that may be.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I'm sorry for your loss.
Yesterday I found out that my step sister in law had a miscarriage. She was around 8 or 9 weeks and it would have been her 2nd child. Before christmas she told my mom and step dad and waited to tell everyone else till christmas. Well I found out earlier when my mom found out, so I sent her a little (private) face Book message to congratulate her. And I never heard back from her.
Let me go back a little and say that her and I had our Weddings only one month apart and also started TTC about the same time. I know from the things she has said to my mom and the distance that she has kept from me that she sort of feels bad that I have had such a hard time conceiving and that she has had a baby. She has told my mom on the past that she is afraid to talk to me. And because we aren't to close its hard for me to talk to her and make her understand that I'm ok, I'm happy for her (well other that the unfortunate miscarriage), and it's ok to talk about babies around me.
Now that she is going through this hard time I want to reach out I her more than ever and tell her I'm there for her and I know what she is going though. I'm so sad and sorry for her loss. But I can't, we just aren't close enough. But here right now on this post (even though I know she will never read it) I want to say those things to her. We are not close but I love them. I'm here for her and my heart achs for them.
Let me go back a little and say that her and I had our Weddings only one month apart and also started TTC about the same time. I know from the things she has said to my mom and the distance that she has kept from me that she sort of feels bad that I have had such a hard time conceiving and that she has had a baby. She has told my mom on the past that she is afraid to talk to me. And because we aren't to close its hard for me to talk to her and make her understand that I'm ok, I'm happy for her (well other that the unfortunate miscarriage), and it's ok to talk about babies around me.
Now that she is going through this hard time I want to reach out I her more than ever and tell her I'm there for her and I know what she is going though. I'm so sad and sorry for her loss. But I can't, we just aren't close enough. But here right now on this post (even though I know she will never read it) I want to say those things to her. We are not close but I love them. I'm here for her and my heart achs for them.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'm ready for a new year
Today I logged on to catch up on the new years blogs and to write a much needed post of my own. Much needed because I just haven't been able to put my thoughts down on paper lately. I start to write a blog post and then my mind runs blank. Well no blanks today! I've got so much to think back on, so much that has happened in the last year.
Thinking all the way back to last New Years Eve, I remember being sad about the 3 plus years I had been dealing with infertility and the 2 years of unemployment my husband was dealing with. But also I remember being so excited of the things that I thought 2011 was going to bring. We moved our infertility journey to the next level. We started our IVF cycle in April, which ended with the dreaded BFN. Thinking back on all the shots and all the time spent in the doctors office, it almost feels surreal... like it didn't even happen. Maybe it was a dream. My failed cycle left me sad but thinking back I know it happened that way for a reason. We were trying to rush the future, and it just doesn't work that way. I have defiantly learned patients.
In this last year I have also experienced loss (on a quick side note, I know plenty of wonderful things happened this year but looking back its the tough things that I'm thinking about) In July my wonderful grandma had a stroke and just under 2 months of fighting her battle she was taken up to be with god and my grandpa. Losing her was very hard for the whole family, but she lived a long 92 year full of life, love, and so much happiness. And if looking back on her wonderful life doesn't make you smile i don't know what will.
During my grandmas struggle in the hospital I was taught another very important lesson... let me first explain by saying... I have a few friends and family members who have struggled with miscarriages. A few of which have had multiple losses in there lives. Well after the failed IVF i was in a slum and starting to feel sorry for myself, so my new way of thinking was at least women who have had miscarriages know they can get pregnant ( see i'd never been pregnant ) Bam like lightning in the end of July I got my first positive test, only to be fallowed with a miscarriage a week later. I was sad but I was ok I knew that it was a learning opportunity for me. It was a way of showing me that yes it is going to happen, when the time is right (the time just wasn't right yet). And that is amazing in it self. Everything will happen in time when it is supposed to.
I am very hopeful that 2012 will bring great things. As much as i want to i'm not going to tell myself that this is defiantly the year we will have our baby, But I will say that if this is the year then I'm so excited but if its not then I know that 2012 will only bring us that much closer to our miracle. December 2011 my hubby finally found a job, which is the first great start to 2012. And he will also graduate this year which means a ton of wonderful things are going to happen this year just because of that. We are getting closer to all the amazing things that we have been waiting for. Ahh I'm actually really excited for the things that are to come.
Happy New Year to everyone, May this year bring happiness, health, and lots of wonderful things.
Thinking all the way back to last New Years Eve, I remember being sad about the 3 plus years I had been dealing with infertility and the 2 years of unemployment my husband was dealing with. But also I remember being so excited of the things that I thought 2011 was going to bring. We moved our infertility journey to the next level. We started our IVF cycle in April, which ended with the dreaded BFN. Thinking back on all the shots and all the time spent in the doctors office, it almost feels surreal... like it didn't even happen. Maybe it was a dream. My failed cycle left me sad but thinking back I know it happened that way for a reason. We were trying to rush the future, and it just doesn't work that way. I have defiantly learned patients.
In this last year I have also experienced loss (on a quick side note, I know plenty of wonderful things happened this year but looking back its the tough things that I'm thinking about) In July my wonderful grandma had a stroke and just under 2 months of fighting her battle she was taken up to be with god and my grandpa. Losing her was very hard for the whole family, but she lived a long 92 year full of life, love, and so much happiness. And if looking back on her wonderful life doesn't make you smile i don't know what will.
During my grandmas struggle in the hospital I was taught another very important lesson... let me first explain by saying... I have a few friends and family members who have struggled with miscarriages. A few of which have had multiple losses in there lives. Well after the failed IVF i was in a slum and starting to feel sorry for myself, so my new way of thinking was at least women who have had miscarriages know they can get pregnant ( see i'd never been pregnant ) Bam like lightning in the end of July I got my first positive test, only to be fallowed with a miscarriage a week later. I was sad but I was ok I knew that it was a learning opportunity for me. It was a way of showing me that yes it is going to happen, when the time is right (the time just wasn't right yet). And that is amazing in it self. Everything will happen in time when it is supposed to.
I am very hopeful that 2012 will bring great things. As much as i want to i'm not going to tell myself that this is defiantly the year we will have our baby, But I will say that if this is the year then I'm so excited but if its not then I know that 2012 will only bring us that much closer to our miracle. December 2011 my hubby finally found a job, which is the first great start to 2012. And he will also graduate this year which means a ton of wonderful things are going to happen this year just because of that. We are getting closer to all the amazing things that we have been waiting for. Ahh I'm actually really excited for the things that are to come.
Happy New Year to everyone, May this year bring happiness, health, and lots of wonderful things.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The start of my new kitchen.
So for the last few months my hubby has been spending all of his free time away from me. No not doing anything bad, he's been spending all the time he has teaching himself how to be a master woodworker (I admit that kind of does sound bad, lol). No but seriously he's been building us custom cabinets. About a year ago we started talking about replacing the old cabinets and after looking around and pricing different locations he says to me "hunny I think I can build them myself". I tried to be supportive but also tried to talk him out of it. I know he can do anything but at the time he had never done anything like it. I just knew it wouldn't be easy.
After a few months of debate back and forth of whether we should buy or build, he won the battle. So slowly he researched and gradually bought tools, and in September he got an amazing monetary gift from his parents and was able to but the majority of the rest of the supplies he needed to build (in completion) the base cabinets. And after him spending 2 months in the garage I am proud to show some pictures of my new cabinets.
Before looking let me warn you... (even though I love my little house) my kitchen Is mighty small.
 |
| New base cabinets without drawer fronts and counter |
 |
| my beagle Simon just had to be in this picture, lol. |
 |
| This will be the color of our new counter that should arrive in a little over a week |
 | ||||||||||
Last but not least the cabinet with wine rack above the fridge, I have to add that last year my hubby removed a wall in our house and built this fridge nook in its place.
|
 |
|
 |
| We went for a walk through a corn maze. |
 |
| and got lost and hungry |
 |
| sunset in new buffalo |
Friday, October 14, 2011
A wonderful 4 years
Happy Anniversary to my wonderful, kind, smart, talented, loving husband. Today we celebrate our 4 years of marriage. In the last 4 years I have learned so much about myself and my family.
We have a nice night In New Buffalo Michigan planed on Sunday. Dinner, drinks, and maybe a evening walk on the beach. I plan on taking a ton of beautiful pictures, and can't wait to share. xoxo
We have a nice night In New Buffalo Michigan planed on Sunday. Dinner, drinks, and maybe a evening walk on the beach. I plan on taking a ton of beautiful pictures, and can't wait to share. xoxo
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
My Daaa moment
Earlier this evening I decided to make a quick (emphasis on quick) run to the grocery store. All I needed was some fruit, almond milk, and a few other snacky things. So I got the stuff I needed, and a few things I didn't and I headed to the checkout... I was making good time and didn't get to overly distracted like I usually do at the store.
Now i'm going to give a play by play of what happened after i walked out of the store..... Ok so I walked out the door and straight to my car, I get to my car grab my keys from my purse and pop the trunk. I put my 4 bags of food away, close my trunk and walk the cart a short 3 car length away to the cart coral. When I get back to my car I realize I don't have my keys. Oh my gosh I locked my keys in my trunk, or so I thought. I went back to where the carts where and looked around, I even got down and looked under my car, they where no place to be found. So I call my hubby who is the only person who has a spare key, and in a crazy person panic tell him he has to come unlock my car. The only thing is he is 40 mins away at school waiting to go into class. So after my wonderful wait sitting on the trunk of my car my hubby gets there and unlocks my car. Well to my dumb surprise there isn't any keys in the trunk. Oh my goodness where could they be? I empty everything out of the grocery bags to see if they fell into one of the bags... meanwhile Joe (aka the hubby) disappears. A minute later I see him walking out of the store holding up my keys. So long story short in the short time i was outside and I lost my keys another customer found my keys (didn't see me looking for them) and turned them in. I feel so silly to say that it never even crossed my mind that someone else found them on the ground and took them inside.
And as for where I am in my cycle I wasn't really going to keep track of what cycle day I was on this month (even tho I think I ovulated sometime in the last few days), I figured I would try and lay low on the ttc front this month and then starting with my next cycle I'm going to take a low dose of clomid for up to the next 4 months or less if things work out.
Till next time, Rachel = )
Now i'm going to give a play by play of what happened after i walked out of the store..... Ok so I walked out the door and straight to my car, I get to my car grab my keys from my purse and pop the trunk. I put my 4 bags of food away, close my trunk and walk the cart a short 3 car length away to the cart coral. When I get back to my car I realize I don't have my keys. Oh my gosh I locked my keys in my trunk, or so I thought. I went back to where the carts where and looked around, I even got down and looked under my car, they where no place to be found. So I call my hubby who is the only person who has a spare key, and in a crazy person panic tell him he has to come unlock my car. The only thing is he is 40 mins away at school waiting to go into class. So after my wonderful wait sitting on the trunk of my car my hubby gets there and unlocks my car. Well to my dumb surprise there isn't any keys in the trunk. Oh my goodness where could they be? I empty everything out of the grocery bags to see if they fell into one of the bags... meanwhile Joe (aka the hubby) disappears. A minute later I see him walking out of the store holding up my keys. So long story short in the short time i was outside and I lost my keys another customer found my keys (didn't see me looking for them) and turned them in. I feel so silly to say that it never even crossed my mind that someone else found them on the ground and took them inside.
And as for where I am in my cycle I wasn't really going to keep track of what cycle day I was on this month (even tho I think I ovulated sometime in the last few days), I figured I would try and lay low on the ttc front this month and then starting with my next cycle I'm going to take a low dose of clomid for up to the next 4 months or less if things work out.
Till next time, Rachel = )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)