7 weeks today

Today Marks me being 7 weeks pregnant... I still can't believe i can really write that. Makes me the happiest person in the world. 
My pregnancy has been pretty uneventful, and other than being super tiered and a little bloated i feel great.  For the last few days I've been getting some nagging headaches and also some off and on tummy issues.  But nothing i can't handle.  My mom and my sister keep telling me they had easy pregnancies,   but they have never carried multiples so i think it will be more likely that I'll be a little sicker than if i was having one.
I wasn't feeling to up to taking a picture today (and I don't look much different from the last pic) so i'll save the picture taking for my 8 week update.  And again I'm so exited for my June 4th appt where We will get to see the babies heartbeats.

I have one other issue i have to address, and any feedback would be greatly appreciate.  So my hubby and I haven't umm done the deed since we found out i was expecting.  I love him and want to show him that but I'm just so worried that anything i do will harm the babies. I'm just so freaked out about losing these babies.  And then there's the fact that i feel bloated and not so attractive right now.  I know he probably thinks I'm beautiful no matter what.

I'm not used to the lack of control

During my many years of infertility I've always (for the most part) been in control.  That's not to say I've always ended up with the result i wanted, but none the less i was in control.  When we started TTC I was in control of the dates we baby danced, and the days i POAS, and everything in between... When we did fertility treatment, every moment was accounted for, and that helped make me feel comfortable with where we where at with everything.    Even at the start of this pregnancy I was in control.  I took a pregnancy test every morning just to make sure the line was getting darker.  I kid you not i took at least 30 tests, but it made me feel better to know if the line was getting darker things where going to be ok.  I told myself after our first ultrasound i would stop POAS.  But that is proving to be difficult.  I haven't taken any tests since last Thursday (day of our ultrasound)  But it makes me really sad that i don't have my own personal ultrasound machine to keep check on the twins. 
I know that the twins are happy and growing fine, and I'll be ok.  I'll just be a bit more relieved on June 4th when we can see the babies again, and hear there heartbeats for the first time. <3  And I'll be even more relived in July when i end my first trimester.

OMG, I don't even know what to title this post = ) but it's good i promis.

For the last few months I've had no idea what to post.  We haven't been doing any fertility treatment, we've been just laying low living life as normal.  And now i have to say for the last few weeks I've had to try really hard to not share my life and write a post.(
I'm going to cut right to the chase, this last cycle things just felt right.  We tracked ovulation, I ate healthy, worked out a lot, and just tried to take care of my body the best i could.  Well two weeks ago today I took my first pregnancy test (of this cycle).  and BAM all the time i've spent as a patiently waiting member of the infertility club has paid off... 2 pink lines.  Yaaayyy!!!

Well I continued to be POS Obsessed that whole weekend (with lines getting darker and darker each time) and on Monday I called my doctor and went in for my first beta.  My results came back the next day with a beta of 148 (yay again) and a whopping progesterone level of 89 (nurse wanted to see it over 20).  So officially prego.  After almost 5 years of TTC I'm really pregnant and this time everything looks good. 
My follow up beta two days later was good as well, it came back at 284 so again looks good.

But wait I have more to my story.......  I went in yesterday for my first appt with the doctor to confirm my pregnancy with a ultrasound.  I had to work that morning but a co-worker came in for an hour to let me go to my appt (the whole time no one at work knowing that I'm prego, actually we haven't told anyone yet).  I met my husband at the doctors office and we wait, me totally nervous.  We've never made it this far in our fertility journey, and i just want to see something inside my uterus to confirm this is all real and to make sure our sticky baby is sticky in the right place.
We'll after what seemed like hours of waiting, we where finally looking at the ultrasound screen anticipating what we where gonna see....  Well i'll show a picture and everyone else can be the judge of my ultrasound picture....

Now if you are looking at this picture and think you might be seeing double.... Its because there are two gestational sacs... Yeah I said it TWO sacs, OMG I'm having TWINS.  How does this happen?  Well never mind i know how it happened, but really after 5 years, 3 failed IUI's, a failed IVF, and a Miscarriage last summer... This is really it, it feels right this time. 

So to recap I'm 6 weeks pregnant today, and the babies are due to join this word January 11, 2013.  And We get to see our little miracles again in two weeks on June 4th, and hopefully we will get to see the heartbeats.
I really want to track every step of my journey with lots of pictures.
Here is my belly at 5 weeks... i'm sure it is going to change quickly with two munchkins fighting for space = )

Till next time <3 Rachel

Oh april first how I could have skipped you.

I have been sort of dreading today. Last July I became pregnant, and last August 1st I had a misscariage. Well today would have been my due date. It's crazy that it's been that long since my loss. I know that I will have my child when the time is right, it's a power stronger than me. I simply can't force it.
I was also curious about where I was in m cycle last year on April 1st ( because I feel because of it being my due date it must have some sagnificants) well it does, today a year ago was day 1 of my IVF cycle, it was the day I started my injections for a cycle that didn't work.
Today will not make me sad, it will only make me stronger... Each day that goes by without children will only bring me closer to the day when I get to meet my futur children.

I've spent enough time being lazy. And a small scare.

Last year after my failed ivf I signed up for the gym. I started strong, going 3 to 5 times a week, I even think my going to the gym had something to do with my short summer pregnancy ( even though it didn't last long). Well I went all summer I even ran a few 5k's and worked out when I was on vacation. Well after late November I took a break... Bad idea. My break turned into me telling myself "oh it's the holidays, it's ok to take a break" well 1 month quickly turned into 4 months. I did the typical bargaining with myself as to why I didn't need to go. Even though I'm not over weight and for the most part not out of shape, I know deep down working out and eating healthy is good for my future self and maybe even my fertility.
So this week I gave myself an altimatum, go back to the gym this week or quit. And the idea of quoting kinda made me feel like I failed. So last Tuesday I did it, I went back. Ive only been there twice so far and I have to say my whole body achs like crazy, but it is an amazing feeling to know I'm back at it. Just being back a few times makes me know I need to keep doing it. I should never have stopped.
It's not going to be easy but my health will thank me later. I just have to remember how hard it is to come back after a break. And not let myself get lazy again.

And as for my scare... About 5 months ago (after my miscarage) I started getting a strange pain in my left Brest. The pain was only present after I ovulated and would go away when my period started. Each month the pain would get worse and by the 3rd month I felt a lump. I'm really good at telling myself there is nothing wrong with me, so I kept telling myself I as fine. Well last month the pain and the lump got much worse. And to push me over the edge my aunt on my moms side was just diagnosed with breast cancer. So it the words of my husband I got myself to the doctor befor it was to late. I got in to see my gyno right away. Then he sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound. I am happy to say I am perfectly fine. The lump if a hard piece of tissue that is kinda like a cyst and it fluctuates with my cycle. But it's nothing to worry about. Thank goodness. I'm so relieved that my lump is nothing. I now think its never to soon to get a mammogram. I encourage every lady to do self checks and go for mammograms if you have any family history of breast cancer.

Experation date

So I was thinking about how a year ago I was getting ready to go though my ivf. And as many of you know us infertals collect ALOT of fertility meds. Some of us use them all up but others end up with this stash of leftover meds we don't know what to do with... So I was wondering what the expectation dates were on some of my more expensive meds I had. So I looked in My fridge where I keep my extra folistim, and the date was August 2013 ( which also happens to be the month and year I turn 30). So my hubby and I decide if it hasn't happened naturally befor then we will, no matter what, do ivf again at the end of spring/ beggining of summer 2013.
It seems like such a long ways away but in reality ive been waiting 4 1/2 years so waiting a little over a year to do it again really isn't that long.

And I know that there is still hope it will happen sooner, and the time we have between now and then is time I must need to prepare myself and my body for life with children.

Pardon my pitty party

  I never wanted to be a blogger/person who complains and is a downer... I always try to think of the positives in life and be grateful.  I like to think of myself as that person you meet that would always make you smile or laugh.  But lately I can't fight the feelings, I can't help but to think things that make me sad.
  It doesn't help that every day I log into facebook someone else is pregnant or spouse is expecting.  Its a weird thing that I feel about others anouncing there pregnancies.  I honestly with all my heart am so happy for them, but so so sad for myself.  I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure it's jealousy I feel.  I really hate feeling this way, but after almost 5 years of trying I can't help but entertain the idea that i may go the rest of my life childless.  I know I'm young and I have plenty of time and options but right now i'm in a slum.   Last April when I went through IVF and it failed I picked myself up with the thought that we would wait a year and try again... Well a year has come and there is no plans in sight.  Now the idea of another IVF feels so far away if ever.  With my husband deciding to go for his masters (which I know is amazing for our future, and i am truly happy about) and our lack of money for more fertility treatment, it's just hard to be positive. 
  Another reason I've been fighting these sad feelings is because April 1st would have been my due date from my short summer pregnancy/miscarriage.  And thinking that i could be 7 months pregnant just makes me sad.  Thinking about it does remind me that I did get pregnant once and I know it will happen again, it's just the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen that brings me back down.

I am truly honestly happy for each person whether its your first pregnancy or your fifth... I will be ok it's just another hurdle for me to get though in this crazy journey.  It will in the long haul make me a stronger better person, and a better mother when ever and however that may be.