my gram

Yesterday I went with my husband and my brother to visit my gram in the hospital.  She had a stroke on July 3rd and isn't really doing that well.  I love my 93 year old grandmother and I pray that she will get better soon or be at peace with my grandpa who has been gone for over 10 years, but that's not the point of this post.  While I was visiting with her she was just laying there quiet... she doesn't say much these days.  She looked up at me, she grabbed my hand, closed her eye's again and said (clear as day) "boy".  Now I didn't want to think to much into it but later that evening my hubby said to me "do you think grandma knew you where pregnant? (we never got a chance to tell her before we lost the pregnancy), maybe we would have had a boy and she knew it."  any way who knows, I just thought it was weird that she randomly said "boy".

update

Thanks ladies!  But today AF showed for sure so I guess that's that.  I'm going to try and return to life as normal and hope I can get back to the same free flowing mindset that I had before the pregnancy and loss.  I need to get back to the gym and take care life going on around me in the moment.
I need to remember "all good things come to those who wait"

Short lived excitement.

Today I went for more blood work to make sure my beta was rising... well long story short, it only went up to 23 from 21.  Not Good!  So my RE said she's 100% sure that I will miscarry = (  so now I just wait.  I guess there is always a .05% chance my number will rise and things will be fine but honestly my hopes aren't high.
I guess at least now I know I can get pregnant, I sure hope it isn't another 4 years till my body decides to surprise me again.

first appointment

Yesturday after yet another positive hpt I decided to call my doctors office.  Not my regular OB, I called the fertility doctor.  I knew that if i could go there that i would get a little better treatment, closer treatment.  So I had blood work done to confirm my pregnancy and she also did an ultrasound to see if there was a sack yet.  She didn't see a sack just yet but the good news is that I am 100% prego.  My beta is only 21 (as of yesturday) so as long as it doubles when I go back friday then things are on the right track.  Since I don't know the exact day of my last missed period we don't really know exactly how far along I am. But seeing that my beta is pretty low we can at least know that I'm not farther along than 4 or 5 weeks.

Fingers crossed that my beta doubles when I go back friday and maybe I'll even have another ultrasound and get to see that there is a sack in there so I know the baby is growing in the right spot.

I have a secret... I think.

ok ladies I have a secret.  Let me start from a week ago (or so).  I was looking at my pocket calender and I thought to myself "hmm when did I last see aunt flo? I think she should be here soon or um a few days ago". so for the last week I've been taking cheep dollar store hpt's and on the first few I saw a very faint line, but my hubby wasn't convinsed, then I had a few with no line and last night I took a walgreens brand digital with the words "not pregnant".  Well I still wasn't convinced so today I went and bought a 3pk of first responce... I held my pee for a few hours and took my test.  Boom there it is... for the first time in my 4 years of trying a BFP.  I really hope Its for real, I've been waiting for so long for this.
OMG did I really write that I got my BFP OMG OMG!  Please pray for me that I really am prego and that my little bean sticks for the long haul.

Thank you everyone for fallowing me though my journey of ups and downs, I hope they will all be ups from here on out.

p.s. Ive included a pic of my most resent test and of my pups (my dogs have been attached to me like glue for the last 2 weeks).

long time no post.

It's been so long since my last post... I'm sorry for not keeping in touch.  So for the last few months since my failed I.V.F. I've done A LOT of thinking.  I pondered if I was ready to go back to the doctor and talk about my failed cycle. Am I really ready to sit in front of mt doctor just to hear him say "the cycle should have worked, just do it again"?  Like it's that easy to just "do it again".  I've also (without sounding to sad) tried to imagine what life might be like simply without children.  I know that one day we will have our child we long for. But for now, could I fully love life without? 
One big thing that I've been doing to take my mind off of things and help me to improve myself is working out.  Two months ago I signed up for the local YMCA.  As much as I might hate waking up extra early to go work out or going strait from work, I love love love it once i'm there.  I know it's just the thing I needed.
In the past for months I've also been transferred to a new store at work. I work as a manager at Walgreen's and they can transfer you when ever they see fit.  Which can sometimes be not such a good thing... well as much as I love my old store and love my old employees, it was defiantly time for a change.  I went though the whole before, during, and after of the ivf and everyone knew my story.  So going to a new store where no one new I was infertile, no one knew I'd been though a failed ivf.  It was almost refreshing to start from scratch.

So now today i'm sitting here thinking about how much I want my miracle child, how badly I want to see a little person with my eyes and my husbands nose... But for now I know that what will be will be, no matter how hard I try.  And honestly I'm ok now knowing that.  My time will come!

crewel joke?

So a few days ago a good friend of mine (who I don't see as often as I should) came into my work.  She had "good news" to tell me.   She gets a HUGE smile on her face (bigger than I've ever seen) and tells me " I'm Pregnant". 
Well a little back story before I go on with the rest of the story... I've known her for 10 years, and even though I love her deeply and will always be there for her,  a lot of things she says are very hard to believe.  Even though I usually give her the benefit of the doubt (i think that's how the saying goes).  oh and she has a 5 year old that was an opps baby.  And even though she makes it though and her daughter has everything she want, she knows another child would make it much harder.
Ok back to the part about her telly me she prego.  So I try to muster up a smile and give her a hug.  She knows I'm not very happy about her news.  I quietly say how I wish I could be happier for her and I just don't understand why things like this happen to people who don't want it to and not for the people like me who yearn for it.
So the next bomb drop... She says "but wait, I want you to adopt it".  Ok that's wonderful and I would adopt her "baby" in a heart beat.  And she knows that.  For the rest of the day she sends me a few texts saying things like I hope you are serious about adopting and how she loves me.  Meanwhile I tell my hubby and his response is "I'll believe it when i see it, don't get your hopes up". 
So not even 24hrs later she texts me and says "I got my period"  I reply I'm so sorry and then I haven't heard from her since.  I mean was she serious or was it a sick joke? I just don't know why she would joke about that with me.

On a different note... I go Tuesday to talk to my doctor to see what he says about my resent failed IVF.  I really hope he has some answers for me.  And I hope I can talk my hubby into doing another cycle soon.  I guess (like always) I just have to wait and see.