sorry for the delay.

I'm so sorry to everyone for my absence.  I'm also upset with myself because my blog was supposed to be a new exciting thing for me.  I was wanted to post and keep up no matter what happened.  Even though I am feeling better about things, It's still been really hard for me to even think about sharing my life (and nothing to exciting has been happening).   
I've always felt it was part of my IF journey to share my struggles.  I was always explaining to people what I was going though and and all the details involved.   Ever since my failed IVF I have had a complete 180, I now don't even want my best friend or my mother knowing that we are secretly taking clomid and filling up on fertility vitamins.  I'm just telling everyone (trying to convince my self) that we aren't really trying any more... more like we are just "whatevering" it. 
I'm still open to do another IVF if it's in the budget... but I really hope if we are able to do another cycle I will be able to keep it to myself.  I'm such an open book person, I just know its will be hard. 
I'm about 6 days from my next cycle, and even though i'm fairly sure this month was a wash, I can't help but hope for a miracle.  I guess all I can do is wait and see.

feeling a bit better.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm doing a lot better.  It took me till today (1 week) before I could call my RE back and schedule a follow up appt with the doc.  But I did and on May 31st hopefully I will have some answers to what may have went wrong with my cycle and maybe even figure out where we go from here.
I was so tore up inside when I found out it didn't work, but now I'm trying to look to the future with positive thoughts.  Even though I know our chances at conceiving naturally are kinda low, I still have hopes that it could happen (I hope it does). And if it doesn't I hope I can do another IVF cycle very soon.  My DH doesn't think it's a good idea to rush into it... he wants to wait a year (WHAT!!) I can not wait that long.  So hopefully when we go to talk to the doctor at the end of the month he will help my DH to think that doing it again and soon would be the right decision. 

not quite the news i wanted to share

Yesterday morning I went for my beta blood test.  At around 3 o'clock I got the call, My RE tells me "I'm sorry it came back negative".  I was so sure this IVF cycle was going to work for us.  It just hurts so much.  I think it would be easier to handle the bad news if I wasn't so positive though the who thing.  I know that everything happens for a reason and I'm not being punished... But I really wonder why me? Is it because I want it so very bad? is it because I was so open about the whole process?  I just don't know and don't understand.  But maybe I'm not supposed to understand.

I feel like I lost a pet, I know there are so many worse things in life.  I'm thankful for my health and my friends and family.  And despite the sadness I feel right now I know in time it will get better and I know one day some how I will be a mother.
Thank you all for following my blog I will be back to blog again soon, but for now I must take a break.

Rachel 

To pee or not to pee?

That is the question that has been heavy on my mind.  Today I am 6dp3dt and I know that It is probably (most likely) to early to test and get a true answer.  But that still doesn't stop me from wanting to.  I have 4 pregnancy test sitting on my dresser and every time I go into my room they taunt me... "pee on me, you know you want to".  I know testing early isn't going to hurt anything.  I'll even be ok if I test this early and it comes up negative, I'll know that it could just be too early, and I can just try again in a day or too.  But could it come up positive this early?  Do I really need to wait till next week?  It seems like I have been waiting for years and years to see a positive test. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. 
I hope I find the strength from somewhere to wait.  And even more than that I hope after all these years of seeing negative tests I finaly get to see a positive one. 

One other starange thing... My dogs have been on such high alert for no reason.  I wonder if they sense something with me and feel that they need to be supper protective.  Hmm I wonder!

Progesterone check in

I know it's to early to have pregnancy symptoms but I think I may have experience implantation.  For the last 2 days (ending late this afternoon) I've had very dull period like cramps, and the night before last I was woke up at about 3:30am with a sharp pain in my stomach.  I really hope it was implantation. 
Today I went in for blood work to check my  progesterone.  My RE called me back with the results around 3 and she seemed shocked with how high my level is.  She said "I can't believe yours even showed up this high, It's 40.  We like to see over 10"  I can't believe it's so high.  I know it's no indicator that I'm pregnant but it's nice to know that when I do (me attempting to be positive) find out i'm prego my body will be good at supporting it.

Today my RE gave me a little bit more good news... she said there is no reason for me to wait till the 27th to get my beta checked, I can come in Monday the 25th instead.  I know it's only 2 day sooner, but i'm super excited about it being 2 days sooner.  And I have to say, as weird as it might sound, I love Mondays.  I also think I'm going to POAS on Sunday before i go to Easter festivities.  I'm just not sure if I can go in at 8 for BW and wait till 3 for my RE to call.

PUPO

Here they are.... My 4 wonderful embys.  When we got there we waited about an hour before going back and talking with the doctor.  He came in the room and gives us this picture. As of 6am this morning we had 3 that were 4 cell and 1that was 6 cell.  So we decided to transfer 3.   We wait a little longer then they take me back to the surgical room... and they transferred my little buddies back where they belong. 
Now all we can do is wait, and relax.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to work. I can't wait to be a mommy.

today is the day

In just about 3 hours I'll have my embryos back in me, where they belong.   Right Now I'm anxiously waiting to leave my house for the hour drive to the clinic.  Once we get there at 11:45 The doctor will sit us down and talk to us about our embryos and how many we will transfer.  Then around 45 minutes later they will do a mock transfer to make sure my uterus is in a good position (I think).  I've always been told by doctors that I have a nice uterus so I hope this part goes smoothly.  Then they will make sure they have the right embryos, hopefully not to much more time later they will transfer my little buddies and I can rest for a bit then I'll be on my way home to rest for 48hr +.  oh yeah and eat my pineapple core = )
I can't wait to share how many have been transferred.   And how they all are doing.  xoxo